I have to stop reading articles about authors who self-published then somehow miraculously got a trad deal, this "legendary" story one of those nauseating accounts people who've failed hate hearing about. I don't like to mention it to people out of concern they'll say, hey, why don't you do what they did? Because there was an element of chance, lightning striking, fate... Whatever. Point is, you can't replicate these stories, and sometimes you're not hearing the whole story. If you want to get a loan to self-publish so you can infiltrate a bookstore that won't even let a traditionally published book from Amazon on its shelves, that's your business. If you have that much faith in your work, good for you. I don't. (This might have been before even Amazon publishing when you could drop a bunch of cash on a printer and cross your fingers). Anyway, it's a story of someone who wanted to be a director more than an author, but somehow wound up a successful author and has only just become a director at last. I still think there are people in the background too, connections a lot of other authors don't have, on top of the luck. Then they can decide who to thank later.
But then I went to work, where I listen to podcasts and pretend I'm not there or that I give a remote fuck about what's happening, and I got a shout out from the Degrassi AV Club who I sent an ebook to 8 weeks ago. Like I wasn't even expecting them to say anything. So when they did, I was kind of distracted with a mouthfull of banana bread and I had to cover my mouth like I was about to puke. I only mentioned it to one friend, and I think if that online magazine accepts my submission I won't say dick to anyone, it's not like I'm even following their Twitter and of all the people I'm waiting for responses from they're on the bottom of my list, like I just forget they're even reviewing it because I'm past caring and don't know what to do. I got three hits the other day too. I didn't leave a social for people to follow since I wasn't even expecting a mention, I figured they were just going to read it, but both the hosts said they were excited to read it. I don't think I'll ever know what they thought unless they suddenly wrote me back or actually decided to review it. I'll never know if Hannah and Jake read the other book I sent them, it's more part of my "Hey, you whose stuff I like, want something I made?" Some people don't reply, that's fine, but I won't go simpering after a booktuber anymore after that one just straight up ignored me. I'm just not interested in working with anyone anymore, I don't even want another project to work on, I hate the whole thing now and I've forgotten what it's like to write something with completely disregard to who would be reading it. I'm so embarrassed I showed people my earlier shit with such rampant pride. Making me out to be the resident writer didn't do my ego any good at all. I guess my parents ended up paying a university to take me down a peg for every dollar. (I don't remember what they paid but it was too fucking much, and now I joke they paid about 15 grand for me to learn some scholars think my vagina has teeth and that the drag queen Divine exists).
I want to go into next year with no slated projects, no expectations and above all, no more fucking complaints. If I can't get the deal I want I want the ability to just not give a shit anymore.
