Presenting....

 

It's been tricky getting shots that really show off the colours and designs, but I this is the final front cover. I'm glad the artists I've spoken to are happy with the results, but it's tough for me to look at pictures with text because my part doesn't feel amazing anymore. I can't stand putting stuff to print, this will be the last time. I just hasn't been the pride-inducing project I wanted, and that's my fault. I'm painting it as imperfect despite knowing others will be impressed. But I pulled it off. I don't want to assign this to Goodreads, I'll keep an eye out for whether the ISBN gets picked up (I'm pissed every revision you do prompts a new ISBN to be created, it's completely unnecessary but I guess we've reached the point this no longer matters).

I'm mainly back to do this for myself. Nothing for public consumption, nothing for submission. Unless the piece I sent to that one online magazine accepts me, I'm done.

The nameless audience in my head vs Me.

Some reason I've been hyper critical of work I've done that has no intended audience. I definitely see flaws and faults someone more considerate and conscientious wouldn't write, I got sexist at one point, but I did at least try to avoid "this is what I think teenagers" sound like. My dialogue is stronger than my general prose still. I've gone back to a script I might flesh out  but the point is, I don't know why I'm questioning any decision I make when I'm not showing anyone. I can basically do whatever I like and yet I still doubt the angle I take. I definitely can't go through another publication. I literally don't give a fuck about that magazine submission, especially considering the Twitter account doesn't have a heck of a lot of followers. So it's of no consequence to be ignored by them. When I was questioning what I wanted out of the picture book, I don't even know anymore. I can put up a link at work without really advertising. I stupidly realised I could stop distributing the first copy so at least if anyone goes to the link, there's no option to buy until I can delete it.  I'm also getting mail from "companies" who can grow my follower base, which is bullshit. So I've ignored every one of them. I should be happy I'm out of the promo game, off grid, doing my own stupid shit. I haven't been so about me in ages. I feel like people would think authorship was me following my bliss. That was the shitty part. The part I like is the one I don't talk about.

So it ends, so it begins

The picture book is finally out there. The copy I ordered was mostly okay aside from the obscene misplacement of the cover image, for some reason I must've mucked about with it so I hope the amendment I made fixed it, since I'm not waiting for another copy. But internally it's great, it looks absolutely amazing, I was confident the pictures would turn out fine and they did. People are proud, but my pride's kinda dulled, it's been a long year, and this was probably the last thing I had to really accomplish so now it's time to stop. I won't write anything else, I feel just about done. I've said  it before but I'm serious this time. Any idea of trying to get something the ground and to a finish line doesn't energise me, I've let it drain me instead, and my perfectionism gets triggered too severely in these instances. I obsess about particulars and let my doubts control my actions. So, it leaves a question as to why I decided to do this, why I didn't take another avenue. I have to be honest about how exhausting this process is for me whether I do it alone or with someone else. The rewards get diminished, the praise is harder to accept. I hope it does better than other books. I still can't bring myself to bring it up at work, I didn't even get around to figuring out if I can mention it on our broadcast page and raise money from it, I wasn't that desperate to find out, I was still distracted to a degree. Somehow I got work done. I guess I can't cope with the attention associated even if the cause is worthy, if the exposure is for others and not just me. Because I love the pictures and I want people to be impressed by them, perhaps more than my words. I don't really want their opinion on my words, I don't need people to tell me they like the story. It's pretty hackneyed. It's more certain people I can't deal with coming to me with praise.

But I should try. It's only fair I try. People see me and see how much I've struggled so when a struggling person achieves something that requires perseverance, it impresses people. I keep underplaying my efforts, like it was the easiest thing in the world for me to pull off. I feel like the people who made the pictures did way more work than me, and from their perspective, my part looked harder, I guess. It really did take me seven years to finish because it was too hard a story to write and my need to finish it didn't happen until just over a year ago. Plus you have COVID as a hurdle. People are going to attribute that to successes and failures, it hangs in the background of all we do, but then that's not to say other shit wouldn't have made it harder, my lack of assertiveness being one factor. I really didn't want those contributing to have a major stress out either. I hope it was rewarding for them. I hope they can feel proud of it too.