I Started (Another) Joke

I was pushed by my therapist (whom I don’t particularly like) to start submitting and querying and going through the hell of being “noticed”. Since then, I’ve signed up for an article website whose AI refuses to publish my articles for being too “bloggy”, written a short for a possible children’s book and queried a mentor who might take my government mandated disability insurance to assist me, posted another article to a previous magazine who did accept my original article, and sent a bullshit piece of fiction I wrote over a decade ago to a random publication via Submittable that wound up asking for money which I reluctantly paid (it was 13 bucks and I was so deep in the process, I could’ve paid less but I wanted a quicker response) and that was the most jokey thing I did all over. All of this, just to shut one therapist up and prove to her I’ll never get paid or be a successful author. I was fuming when we discussed it, even begging her to stop talking to me about it so I felt compelled to agree to shut her face up. I genuinely do not like her or the company she works for. They have clearly neurodivergent therapists who talk too much and can’t be relied on for anything, and their neurotypical therapists have no concept of reality when it comes to being a creator.

Right now I’m theoretically “living the dream” as a “self-funded writer” who isn’t even trying to make money because it won’t work out long term. I turned down a request for feedback, they were willing to pay but I really don’t want to read other people’s shit and have to compare myself to their stuff. I always do it, like I’m relieved when it’s bad but I don’t want to help them make it better if they surpass me, and I’m sad when it’s good because I can’t meet up. All morning, I’ve looked for one thing I could just hurl at anything on Submittable and this one had a closing deadline of one hour. I remembered this piece of crap I wrote on the tail end of a psychotic break, so it’s got that crazy bitch vibe but it’s still coherent but might be offensive and will probably get rejected. Again, all to say “I tried, bitch, it’s too exhausting, and if you push me on it, I’ll walk out.” I even extended my next appointment deliberately to avoid her. I am also doing a “me thing” for the purpose of “joy” but she thinks I can turn that joy into a profession and that’s where I wanted to lash out at her for being so fundamentally naive. I know me doing it for a living will suck the joy out of it. She was telling me to keep trying something I’ve made peace with and given up, so of course all this “trying” has fostered resentment in me whether it’ll pan out or not, I almost don’t want to give her any smug satisfaction of being right or for her to say I should be proud. I don’t like being told how to think or feel, regardless of the thought or emotion, I don’t want to be encouraged, which is why I don’t want to work with her anymore. I AM writing, I’m NOT lying about it the way I want to, and I WON’T be forced into freelance work. Most I can do is work for a company punching up short things, I can’t edit manuscripts properly, but I’m also struggling with the thought of getting a normal job. I’ve had enough as a writer, it’s my talent to use and abuse at my discretion, if you think you can motivate me to do more than I have to make this my job, you have another thing coming. 

There was a Facebook group dedicated to self-publishers earn 50K off 20 books on Amazon. Like if you can get one of each sold per day for a year at 7.50 a pop that’s 54K average. That’s not taking into consideration taxes I have to pay if I don’t periodically pay, cost of marketing to get that level of income, or the fact that one person’s strat may not work for you. OR that you have to pull it off year after year which is impossible. People are acknowledging getting a traditional contract or even writing for a company isn’t going to get you recognition or even a lot of marketing, they live by the “for every X famous author, there’s 1000 still living hand to mouth”. This is the reality people on the outside don’t see, or refuse to. I think my therapist knows people who’ve “succeeded” by trying, she even asked how much self-publishing cost, (I said it’s dependent on how you do it, and my method is not the cheapest), so if she’s trying to get my advice because she wants to be published, she can go fuck right off. I really don’t like her and she’s infuriated me long enough, (for other reasons as well, she’s made flippant remarks and I’ve left my sessions in tears more than once). I’ve also vented about this on my other blog and the vitriol won’t stop.

I will legitimately laugh my ass off if they accept the flash piece, and I’m not good at short story writing, I don’t even know if it counts in terms of structure, it has a beginning, a middle and an ending. It’s abstract and weird. It fits the length, and again, I can’t submit shorts because I don’t write shorts, I’m sorry I’m so used to being rejected and my dream to have “anything” published by “anyone, anywhere, in any context” existed in the hope it’d appease my desire. I can’t see myself being successful at this, it’s too fucking hard, I don’t have an agent, I don’t have a posse of people to pay to make me big, I don’t even have a fanbase, some people love me on Literotica and I have a good Goodreads average. That’s it. Leave me alone.

I’m also an incredibly impatient person and having shit sitting in the “submitted” review phase always pisses me off. I went through this privately, people don’t realise I have struggled with the process more than I was willing to admit. I was never a person who said who I pitched to, I always waited for a bite before I spoke up.

I did get a response back from the mentor now I’m trying to do due diligence to make sure my plan manager won’t fuck me over given it’s a bit artsy fartsy. Either I email the OT and tell her to stop looking for shit or I say nothing and make her feel like crap if she gets nowhere. (I’ll shrug it off obnoxiously if she’s “happy” for me) I’ll pursue this, the terms seem reasonable and cheaper than a mentor but more than I’d spend personally, I’m going with this with nowhere to go and no expectations or anything outlandish, and sorry, I feel nervous and uncomfortable and weird about even running this by the government in terms of my personal employment goals that weren’t in that field but were vaguely hinted at with the LAC, and I got uptight, I just don’t want people to get happy for me for doing this, this is hard for me. It hurts and makes me uneasy. It won’t end where I want it to, I’m just doing this to see if it’s even worth the bother, I said I was considering it, it’s just such a personal problem for me. I was shitty seeing State Library listings on Submittable too, all for things I thought I could’ve been a part of or recognised for, I hated a girl who had a book already published through that kid’s writer’s club I joined, meanwhile my submissions were knocked back. It didn’t matter what everyone around me said, I wasn’t good enough by industry standards. (But there’s also nothing to say this girl wasn’t financially supported by parents or had connections at least who got her that far). She was like the girl from my My Little Pony club newsletter with the huge collection, when my personal collection now is crazy enviable. I don’t think I’m going to have a trad pub kids book at the end of this. I fucking don’t. I’m sorry. (Plus seeing one of my personal heroes get a damn kids book published, something fictional, not just a memoir, that’s still a kick in the pants. You’ve no idea how demoralising it is seeing celebrities get handed this shit for no effort whatsoever, especially when they can also put next to no effort in and still profit tremendously and unfairly).

I thought I added that the magazine picked up my piece but I must’ve not saved it. Anyway, they took it and it’s been three years and ten days since the last one. Like it really was a low effort to get it up there and I don’t care all that much. I think you get a buzz from the “accepted” tag and the email was in my junk folder, so your brain just needs to see it to feel validated momentarily. I’m hoping to get out of the other OT agreement, so if that person found something, I don’t think I really care all that much, it could’ve been the same thing I found and the last thing I need is her getting on my case for refusing to get involved in a scam.