Sometimes I also quit.

 I've "quit" authorship a couple of times now, pulling online material, swearing to never publish again, refusing to chase up dead leads on a chance I might get a better deal. But I think I have actually quit now. Every road (there's only two) I take to lead to a published book causes so much stress. I didn't imagine the picture book really causing me so much unnecessary stress, I couldn't abide a typo in the back matter, I couldn't abide a slightly off centre title picture, my need for perfection when it comes to releasing shit is too high and too unreasonable to keep going through this process. It's why I wish I had the confidence of shitty writers who just loved the attention so much any fault with their work was ignored. They were proud  of their piece of shit books being out there, regardless of typos, no continuity, plot holes, etc. They were just doing it for the "fans" without realising so many people hate read their books for a laugh, or for morbid curiosity because of all the fuss that was generated. They cracked a code I was told specifically not to crack. So, when the rewards were pouring in for these people, I was livid. I had to raise my standards to compensate, I had to be better. I had to know what I produced was perfect because they lowered the bar. People still derided them more than me, but it didn't stop them. And it sucks.

But I've also stopped wanting to release anything myself. I'm not starting a new sales spreadsheet until I get actual hits in 2022. I'm not going to assume there's stuff waiting, I'll get late results for this year but right now, anything or absolutely nothing could happen going from here. I've gotten used to the constant nothingness of this. The picture book  just failed to generate interest, the artists are busy with their lives, I've not been motivated enough to share anything. I've kinda wanted to pretend it didn't exist and get my new iPad and forget I'm a writer now, not an author. Given you can publish a book yourself and your loved ones still call you a published author, I think that's been enough for everyone else except me. I'm also failing to come up with anything new or original, or even anything equating a novel. I did do one novel this year based on a previous idea without borrowing from it, but I don't have any inspiration to start something big that would lead to impressing anyone. I'm done trying to. It's too embarrassing for me.