The Saga Continues Because I Am Insane

I found someone on Fiverr who can (apparently) "fix" cover issues for KDP including hardcover and I've only (so far) have paid 20 odd dollars. I'm foolishly looking into reformatting the interior too with some Australian company but I feel like if they charge me more than a couple of hundred, I should just do this myself. Somehow. I guess that depends on how well this cover turns out when it's updated. This is basically what I would've asked the original designer to do with the cover, I just couldn't knowing she's not working on this anymore and I really don't want to bother her further. I was prepared to do a whole new cover but if I can keep the design, I'll see how far I can go. I'm really jumping the gun already and getting anxious about this, it's incredible how much this shit ratchets it up for me. Like 0-60 nausea, palps, flushed skin, all that shit. Seeing someone who could do a fix-it job quickly and cheaply was my problem, it just looked too tempting to refuse and stupidly me just making a general inquiry meant the seller was quick to ask for the files and I felt obliged when I could have ignored it. It was predatory so it's just as well I never spoke to anyone offering a big package. I don't know what I'm going to do long term, I don't even feel great about launching this just to get a proper print. It's going to cost me more just to get an author copy. I haven't confirmed if the printing is done here or overseas either. Whatever. I just wanted a cheap way of getting this done since none of this comes for free anymore. I get that. All my decrying vanities now makes me look like a total hypocrite but everyone's going down these roads now to get an edge some other avenues, flaunting their end results with pride regardless of their investments, and people are still impressed. If I can impress someone with a Blurb book, sky's the limit I guess? Nobody will buy a hardcover of a book they've never even bought the paperback for. I had to look up how many digital copies people bought vs paperback and I know either I contributed to the paperbacks or one person ordered multiple copies. That was as far as I wanted it to go anyway, if I keep working on it my way I get out of all the adjacent BS I wasn't keen on doing.

Update: This was a bad idea. Considering all they've done is stretch the images for way too much money I was clearly expecting too much. Second that, it works if I just run with what I have. Question is, do I run with it or wait for a better interior? Do I try to do this and just accept nobody will care but me? I could run a poll online but people don't respond to my questions often. Which they've not done so far. I would like the interior to look better, I could make it look better, I don't need graphics, I could spruce up the chapter headings. Maybe. I'll see what they charge and go from there.

The saga has abruptly ended because I didn't confirm a suspicion our printer here was ready to hardcover and I can't get an author copy. I'm assuming I now have to launch it and see if an order will come through. And the quote came back, I wasn't prepared to pay the cost and I'm glad I haven't committed to this. I should've done way more homework than simply going ahead. It's not that big a deal, I'm not angry since I only spent 20 bucks on the cover revision, and by rights, it's pretty much done. I did my own basic bitch revisions. It's odd going on the forum and seeing people who had a deal with Random House a decade ago who are now wanting to self-publish instead. I feel like some people really did think they were being given keys to the kingdom but wound up dissatisfied and terminated later. I keep hearing of people let down by the sales a trad deal got them, the prestige and attention didn't translate into cash. All of this should confirm the fact I shouldn't care anymore. I'm still trying to attack my personal beliefs and dismantle them, I'm really trying to deconstruct my ideals, I really could have ended up here no matter what. I thought I was doing this because I was bored. I don't even know now.

I'm stupidly seeing if I can cram the new interior in the paperback version and get away with it. It might've been a bad idea now I've updated  the original document. Apparently it's still fine, I wasn't happy with the interior anyway, I just got sick of reformatting and thought I was locked in with my cover. I still don't understand why a manual quality review didn't pick up the obvious errors previously made. It's not worth getting a headache over. It was all basically for nothing since I can't even get the hardcover copy shipped via normal channels. So, it was largely for nothing but at least I didn't waste a lot of money on it. Putting energy into the other ones would be a stupid waste of time. It's not an impossibility for me, just a pointless endeavor.

So the saga got rebooted and I can now order author copies of the hardcover via the US store, so I'm assuming this was only prevented by the purchase page taking time to update. I've gone ahead and done that with a new paperback since it costs me far less, however they'll be shipped separately. I keep ordering shit despite all the BS going on globally, I'm basically hovering over tracking details of the Last Unicorn tarot set I've wanted for over a year now, it's somewhere in this city and I have to wait for the third shipping party in this debacle to contact me after I chased down their details because the second company dropped the ball.

Thanks, but I'm really not.

A friend tagged me on Facebook about an upcoming writer's festival near me. I haven't said thanks but my immediate thought was, not interested, just as I've not been interested in many years, if ever. I know my fault lies with failing to network or really put myself out there, but I also won't attend any seminars by people more or less advertising their personal services to help me get published. I don't really want to talk to authors or hear them give speeches, I've seen the guy who's speaking, twice, because I went to university and studied this shit for 3 years to no avail, plus he also spoke at my high school because he's basically our only "famous" writer. And he's not even someone I agree with on a personal level, he's said some contentious stuff. Also, I'm such a closet hater of this state's writing culture, the people involved aren't ones I can relate to. I feel like getting their attention at this point wouldn't do much for me. I haven't tried to improve much, I didn't want to change my last submission to suit that publisher which I'm sure I would've had to do, I don't regret not getting picked up, I regret not letting my other submission get a formal response despite knowing it would've been rejected, it was just deciding to show integrity to someone who was screwing me over that I regret most.

Having said that, I got a few hits out of nowhere, I think my report's balanced from last year, but it still surprises me to see any activity, especially since it's been dead since October last year. I never know if it's if I've been active online or just now and then people stumble across my stuff. Hunting for reviews just becomes so tedious, being completely forgotten by anyone who said they'd definitely review something made me resentful enough I doubt I'd ever find their webpages or find where the fuck the review was if it existed. I don't remember the names of the people who ignored me to be able to stalk them under my new name.

So, I found the 9 things list I mentioned and I'm going through it now:

1. It is harder than ever to do this I know that, I knew it going in too.

2. I knew it's not the only source of revenue for a writer. Not even Neil Gaiman's immune.

3. I guess I wished editors cared more about you individually but now I've confirmation a big trad publisher will not fall over backwards to give you a dedicated editor. I sought help too, I had to, because my publisher was an idiot and only scanning for very superficial errors during an abysmal reformatting process she still fucked up anyway. I also knew they depend on you to do your own research, and fact check.

4. Yeah, it takes a small village to get it off the ground, I opted to do so much more alone for a cost reasons and not being confident about asking for outside help. I say I have an editor but she's not mine.

5. Jealous bitches are out there. I am one toward this person. Hence my reason for the distance, because it was a reflection of my sense of failure. And she's suffering in the same way. Elitism is probably the answer, it isn't a meritocracy, reviews are more vital in this industry than others, because it's such a passive form of entertainment, it takes so much longer to read a novel compared to listening to an album or even watching a film. I maintain anyone who speed-reads won't enjoy a book more.

6. I could practice more. I never said I was a fully fledged writer, others decided I was. But I can improve. I can fix myself. Being perfect out of the gate is expected in publishing more than YouTube. Sorry, it kinda is. I was told endlessly to submit the perfect manuscript, devoid of any grammatical errors. Then I discovered that's total bullshit and I seethed ever since. So, if you have an existing expectation from other areas, they will expect more in this area. It sucks, but it is a thing. And it's still expected unless you can prove you can make them a quick buck.

7. I don't give reviews to anyone I haven't at least tried to read. I don't review based on the "look inside" material on Amazon. I've also not pissed off enough people to review bomb me. I feel bad it was placed on this person, but I know they did one star books they hadn't read, which I don't agree on but shouldn't give you bad karma on anything you create later, either.

8. Imposter syndrome will plague me, but I don't even know if recognition from a reputable source would remove that for me. But I've wanted that critical feedback more than praise. Because that didn't help me get better or see where I'm going wrong.

9. Goodreads is garbage. It's a place for readers to chat about their opinions and for authors to stay the fuck out, don't participate and don't give away your shit for free to anyone on that forum because it will not result in the kind of reviews and feedback you want or need. They just want free books. That's it. They don't promise anything you can't expect anything. Some will also develop a huge sense of self-importance, like you need them more than they need you.

I guess seeing this made me feel kind of better. She's not become more arrogant, she's recognised this isn't the most lucrative path to take as a creator, shit I knew as a teenager. The part about you not really being supported is sad to discover but ultimately, she still got a more professional product worth promoting, I still felt like she was treated with more regard, fact was, she wasn't special to them marketing wise. She's not responsible for explaining the success or lack thereof of anyone. She of course was going to suffer more publicly than I ever will, she has to choose whether those assholes get to her or not, I'm more amazed they still care enough to attack her at all. 

Being told I have a children's book people think is worthy of appearing in a bookstore, I'm still too hyper-critical/aware that any sign your book has been through a non-trad process makes it far less appealing to put on a shelf. I appreciate the compliment but if I were more ignorant I might try it or take that feedback in the wrong direction, ego-wise.

The state of all this might change in ten years, maybe environmental issues will make paperback publishing too extravagant and wasteful to continue felling trees, especially if you're returning some to a publisher to be pulped. I don't know. Things changed radically a while ago and are stagnating now. Audio books are the way of the future, which sucks for assholes like me who can't and won't produce them. Even being asked if I did have that format I hadn't the time nor the energy to explain how expensive it was for me to do this alone, never mind how much a reader pays vs hardcover costs. I was stunned by how much I paid for the two I bought for a long haul flight then never listened to. 

Also, being famous is a different beast depending on where you are popular now. TV and movies were how you got famous twenty years ago or more, magazines to a lesser extent. But being YouTube famous doesn't give you a wide celebrity status. This person didn't get much more special treatment for having a platform, it just got their foot in the door eventually, even with struggle on their part. But you need to know going in you're not that important to a publisher unless you're a celebrity as an author or have existing broad appeal. Facing the reality that the Kardashian sisters had a better shot at getting a novel published than I ever will, because Simon & Schuster tends to fall over themselves more to publish celebrity books of any description/quality than other publishers (sorry, I tend to see them behind almost 100% of any celeb or online blogger/youtuber, I guess James Franco was the exception, and Dan Harmon didn't care enough to follow through). Oh, and guess what, they had a ghostwriter helping them out, which I suspected anyway. People tend to forget how vital ghostwriters are to celebrity books. 

I had no hope going in. I think about what I should do long term in regards to removing this material before I die, or amending a will or leaving instructions for what anyone left who cares would be required to do in the unlikely event of any posthumous recognition.

Anyway, I'm glad I forced myself to sit through that video but it's not inspired me to pick up her book, resubscribe (despite her "leaving youtube") or feel bad I got rid of the shirt I bought off her website. But I can try and come to terms with what happened to me and how it truly doesn't matter to anyone but me. I have a therapist who genuinely worries when I can't/won't write. I know why. If I don't find the joy I got out of it in the first place, that'd be the bigger tragedy in the end. 

I only realised that even if I'd have gotten a better end product from the publisher, I'd still have been expected to do my own audiobook, and those stupid podcasts. Having said that, knowing what I know now, I could've just ignored her and waited for the contracts to expire so I could tap out and move on.

Hardcover books won't be all that impressive anymore

I watch too many YouTubers who purchase bad books so they can do reviews or readings for entertainment purposes, which I both hate and understand. But when one YouTuber expressed surprise the QAnon book of poems they bought was available in hardcover, I felt uselessly compelled to point out in their comments it's no longer that impressive/surprising now Amazon is beta testing hardcover for KDP.

I did see someone's end result online (some self-pubbers really have capitalised on this partly by reviewing their author copies to show whether this service is worth the effort) and it looked good enough I spent time on Fiverr (which is an absolute misnomer now) looking at packages to reformat my books to hardcover. Well, I mean one book. I can't do it with the one I want to, it's taken me so long to get the cover right for paperback, at the expense of the interior design. My reason to pay someone else is to just spare myself some headaches but the packages for a full format were hundreds of dollars. So, basically commission-based artists have figured out how to do what some hybrid/vanities were already doing. And I don't know if this would still help get Amazon's "trad" books into brick and mortars anyway, maybe they released it for that purpose but I doubt it would work when all the info says it's an Amazon publication. Besides that, nobody wants the paperbacks. I could reduce all the prices, it doesn't make a difference. People asked for the link but never bought them. So I'm just going to mark them down to lowest price rounded up/down to nearest 10c where required. GST gets factored in anyway. Given nobody cares about the children's book either, I have 2 dollars I need to donate one day to the charity I nominated, which convinced nobody to buy it, I had to add the dollar to it just to get that profit to donate otherwise it was straight out of my pocket anyway. (I haven't even received that money from Blurb anyway) I've never said I'll give up trying but realistically, I don't know how else to get these off the ground without spending so much more on marketing. Looking into it right now makes me tired as fuck. Because I am and it is and will always be so much exhaustion for so little reward. Reformatting anything right now is pointless, I'd be doing it to have something to do which is a bad idea. Going back over documents I'm not so happy with anyway, trying to fix any remaining issues just sounds like pain for nothing too. I said I quit so I should stick to that.

I'm more annoyed people are impressed with certain aspects of this I know aren't impressive to me, when really I should just leave everyone to whatever delusions they have.

Stop me if you've heard this one...

Looking at the end results for some people, I feel like I should be trying to get one thing to hardcover just to see if I can pull off something remotely professional. I honestly just want to throw everything at someone and have them come up with something that looks decent. Because, really, what was I honestly bitching about in the end but appearances. For some stupid reason people think the children's book is professional looking enough to sell in a book store when I know it's not. And that's what it came down to for my ego: conning people into thinking I had a better publisher than I did. It's knowing I have to pay through the GD nose for this, and still upload it all myself. I'm looking at the KDP hardcover deals, which means ultimately I have to nuke what I've done and build up from the bottom. Soon as you want interiors done, that's when you're paying through the nose, and that's what's got me hesitating. The fact people all want their fantasy covers to look practically identical, my attempt to be different never made me stand out. The headaches from reformatting myself are what had me looking into package deals but nobody's going to work for nothing on a whole reformat, even if I have them what I've done as a starting off point and just asked them to do it, I could put in fancy typeface if I really put my mind to it. It's not difficult, just tedious. I had one program that did do something fancy but in order for you to get it out there you had to pay hundreds once uploaded. Entertaining any of this is actually making me anxious and headachey, like it just proves it doesn't matter how I do this, from whatever angle and for whatever reason, it pains me too much, people must've known I was more stressed than I let on. It's a fucking nightmare and I can't justify it. And knowing there were "professionally printed" books in existence that actually, in the end, weren't (particularly in terms of editing), I just feel I've conned myself into believing every reputable company is willing and able to release something perfect.