A friend tagged me on Facebook about an upcoming writer's festival near me. I haven't said thanks but my immediate thought was, not interested, just as I've not been interested in many years, if ever. I know my fault lies with failing to network or really put myself out there, but I also won't attend any seminars by people more or less advertising their personal services to help me get published. I don't really want to talk to authors or hear them give speeches, I've seen the guy who's speaking, twice, because I went to university and studied this shit for 3 years to no avail, plus he also spoke at my high school because he's basically our only "famous" writer. And he's not even someone I agree with on a personal level, he's said some contentious stuff. Also, I'm such a closet hater of this state's writing culture, the people involved aren't ones I can relate to. I feel like getting their attention at this point wouldn't do much for me. I haven't tried to improve much, I didn't want to change my last submission to suit that publisher which I'm sure I would've had to do, I don't regret not getting picked up, I regret not letting my other submission get a formal response despite knowing it would've been rejected, it was just deciding to show integrity to someone who was screwing me over that I regret most.
Having said that, I got a few hits out of nowhere, I think my report's balanced from last year, but it still surprises me to see any activity, especially since it's been dead since October last year. I never know if it's if I've been active online or just now and then people stumble across my stuff. Hunting for reviews just becomes so tedious, being completely forgotten by anyone who said they'd definitely review something made me resentful enough I doubt I'd ever find their webpages or find where the fuck the review was if it existed. I don't remember the names of the people who ignored me to be able to stalk them under my new name.
So, I found the 9 things list I mentioned and I'm going through it now:
1. It is harder than ever to do this I know that, I knew it going in too.
2. I knew it's not the only source of revenue for a writer. Not even Neil Gaiman's immune.
3. I guess I wished editors cared more about you individually but now I've confirmation a big trad publisher will not fall over backwards to give you a dedicated editor. I sought help too, I had to, because my publisher was an idiot and only scanning for very superficial errors during an abysmal reformatting process she still fucked up anyway. I also knew they depend on you to do your own research, and fact check.
4. Yeah, it takes a small village to get it off the ground, I opted to do so much more alone for a cost reasons and not being confident about asking for outside help. I say I have an editor but she's not mine.
5. Jealous bitches are out there. I am one toward this person. Hence my reason for the distance, because it was a reflection of my sense of failure. And she's suffering in the same way. Elitism is probably the answer, it isn't a meritocracy, reviews are more vital in this industry than others, because it's such a passive form of entertainment, it takes so much longer to read a novel compared to listening to an album or even watching a film. I maintain anyone who speed-reads won't enjoy a book more.
6. I could practice more. I never said I was a fully fledged writer, others decided I was. But I can improve. I can fix myself. Being perfect out of the gate is expected in publishing more than YouTube. Sorry, it kinda is. I was told endlessly to submit the perfect manuscript, devoid of any grammatical errors. Then I discovered that's total bullshit and I seethed ever since. So, if you have an existing expectation from other areas, they will expect more in this area. It sucks, but it is a thing. And it's still expected unless you can prove you can make them a quick buck.
7. I don't give reviews to anyone I haven't at least tried to read. I don't review based on the "look inside" material on Amazon. I've also not pissed off enough people to review bomb me. I feel bad it was placed on this person, but I know they did one star books they hadn't read, which I don't agree on but shouldn't give you bad karma on anything you create later, either.
8. Imposter syndrome will plague me, but I don't even know if recognition from a reputable source would remove that for me. But I've wanted that critical feedback more than praise. Because that didn't help me get better or see where I'm going wrong.
9. Goodreads is garbage. It's a place for readers to chat about their opinions and for authors to stay the fuck out, don't participate and don't give away your shit for free to anyone on that forum because it will not result in the kind of reviews and feedback you want or need. They just want free books. That's it. They don't promise anything you can't expect anything. Some will also develop a huge sense of self-importance, like you need them more than they need you.
I guess seeing this made me feel kind of better. She's not become more arrogant, she's recognised this isn't the most lucrative path to take as a creator, shit I knew as a teenager. The part about you not really being supported is sad to discover but ultimately, she still got a more professional product worth promoting, I still felt like she was treated with more regard, fact was, she wasn't special to them marketing wise. She's not responsible for explaining the success or lack thereof of anyone. She of course was going to suffer more publicly than I ever will, she has to choose whether those assholes get to her or not, I'm more amazed they still care enough to attack her at all.
Being told I have a children's book people think is worthy of appearing in a bookstore, I'm still too hyper-critical/aware that any sign your book has been through a non-trad process makes it far less appealing to put on a shelf. I appreciate the compliment but if I were more ignorant I might try it or take that feedback in the wrong direction, ego-wise.
The state of all this might change in ten years, maybe environmental issues will make paperback publishing too extravagant and wasteful to continue felling trees, especially if you're returning some to a publisher to be pulped. I don't know. Things changed radically a while ago and are stagnating now. Audio books are the way of the future, which sucks for assholes like me who can't and won't produce them. Even being asked if I did have that format I hadn't the time nor the energy to explain how expensive it was for me to do this alone, never mind how much a reader pays vs hardcover costs. I was stunned by how much I paid for the two I bought for a long haul flight then never listened to.
Also, being famous is a different beast depending on where you are popular now. TV and movies were how you got famous twenty years ago or more, magazines to a lesser extent. But being YouTube famous doesn't give you a wide celebrity status. This person didn't get much more special treatment for having a platform, it just got their foot in the door eventually, even with struggle on their part. But you need to know going in you're not that important to a publisher unless you're a celebrity as an author or have existing broad appeal. Facing the reality that the Kardashian sisters had a better shot at getting a novel published than I ever will, because Simon & Schuster tends to fall over themselves more to publish celebrity books of any description/quality than other publishers (sorry, I tend to see them behind almost 100% of any celeb or online blogger/youtuber, I guess James Franco was the exception, and Dan Harmon didn't care enough to follow through). Oh, and guess what, they had a ghostwriter helping them out, which I suspected anyway. People tend to forget how vital ghostwriters are to celebrity books.
I had no hope going in. I think about what I should do long term in regards to removing this material before I die, or amending a will or leaving instructions for what anyone left who cares would be required to do in the unlikely event of any posthumous recognition.
Anyway, I'm glad I forced myself to sit through that video but it's not inspired me to pick up her book, resubscribe (despite her "leaving youtube") or feel bad I got rid of the shirt I bought off her website. But I can try and come to terms with what happened to me and how it truly doesn't matter to anyone but me. I have a therapist who genuinely worries when I can't/won't write. I know why. If I don't find the joy I got out of it in the first place, that'd be the bigger tragedy in the end.
I only realised that even if I'd have gotten a better end product from the publisher, I'd still have been expected to do my own audiobook, and those stupid podcasts. Having said that, knowing what I know now, I could've just ignored her and waited for the contracts to expire so I could tap out and move on.
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