Recommendations

I don't know how anyone hasn't noticed how I never recommend books to people. I don't think I ever really did. I always had a list of movies people should never see on pain of death. I didn't know people well enough to know if they'd like my movies, I mentioned to the person assessing me for autism I'm into indie films by directors nobody's ever heard of and who never have their movies shown in theatres, and are impossible to find on DVD unless said director reissues them via Kickstarter campaigns.

I don't read many books now. I just don't. I read snippets unless I'm really keen to finish a book or I'm genuinely into it, I'll have it on more than one device I can read it when I'm out. And the only person I did that with was AM Homes. I read her until I actually didn't like her that much, and she had a book come out last year. I don't know if I'll read it. Someone just told me about the new Bret Easton Ellis and I've not even read much of Glamorama. Like I said, I demolished Chelsea's book and that was about it. I have a new Kindle and a new iPad and they're not getting me to read right now. Nothing is. I think people honestly believe they can have in depth, book club style discussions with me on recent literature and I couldn't give any less of a fuck if I tried. One person even said they'd get my book for their goddamn book club, and I viscerally dislike this person so much, that when we had a minor altercation, I'm sure she pettily decided to never buy it and nothing about that offended me. I'm guessing my picture book was too expensive for people to want to buy so I could give donations, I'm not saying people are mean and uncharitable because of it, I get it, I just don't have any control over how cheap it is. I spent too long agonising over how much to mark up my Amazon paperbacks to make a profit, and people asked for links and they still never bought it. I never go to the Smashwords main page, I don't go on their forum or anywhere else. I don't connect with other writers/authors anymore, I don't even expect to get a job with the centre I emailed and I couldn't now anyway. It'll probably be too people-centric. I can't get the kind of attention other people can, I suck at connections and I'm not on top of new releases. I don't fit anywhere, even having a clinical reason for that hasn't flipped a switch to make me even want to be acceptable. So trying to rope me into that world is impossible. 

I was okay with it as a kid, I even left school early to go to a workshop. I was supported even if people weren't expecting much. I just hate it gave a false impression I even give a shit about books now. I did back then, I did like to read, but it's something about me that changed and nobody noticed. Everyone around me gets to read and watch stuff without any burden of comparison. I probably rewatch more stuff because it's safe, anything new is harder. It took me two decades to even watch Veronica Mars. And I rented the movie off Amazon. I never rent shit off Amazon. I really wanted to read the Witching Hour and it's nowhere on Kindle. I could buy a less busted copy but I think even that's hard to find. I'm not even writing prose, I went back to screenplays, it's my compromise when I can't be fucked with prose. It's not like it's even legitimate writer's block it's just a workaround for me. I'm just glad I found free software to format it quickly. It's fun to play with and maybe it would impress a screenwriter I can churn this shit out but it's 95% dialogue driven. Aaron Sorkin loves dialogue, he said it was like listening to music for him, he nails that shit. I don't feel so bad about my failure to be detailed about anything else.

Anyway, if you recommend books to me, I probably won't act enthused. If you lend me a book you think I'll love, I probably won't read it ever. And if it's by anyone I felt like didn't really deserve to be published, I'll completely ignore it and wait for your assessment. That's the part that's missing from your understanding of why I hate books now. It wouldn't be anywhere this bad if I felt like every book out there right now genuinely deserved to be published. I really need to be more honest about it when people offer me their copies of anything. "I'm sorry, I am never going to read this. Please don't."

They're all going to laugh at you

I just blocked a video of a UK comedian about to read a particular book I've hated (I never read it, I just hate it existed). I didn't even give it a chance to see if it might be funny. Then I realised, (not that the author will ever care) I'd die if anyone even read out anything of mine, good or not. I cannot deal with certain things being on record, and I honestly can't handle the thought of any of it being recorded for audiobook purposes. I keep reminding myself I cannot handle this, and I feel sorry for people who've been forced to read terrible books for this purpose, to have to intone character voices, or worse, read bad syntax verbatim. Being asked to do a budget version of this with Audacity and iPhone earphones with the shitty microphone, I was incensed for weeks this was a requirement. It was a joke. I just don't want it out there. I'm only now letting go the myriad minor issues and letting them be as they are. I got some hits, but I'm getting off Twitter now I'm a bit sick of engaging with a community that wants so much the world can't give them that my own tweets get misread and someone likes the tweet that calls you out but you don't get to finish the fucking conversation ever. I have to remember why it's worth ignoring the entire thing.

So, I don't think it's getting my work any attention either. I could try to broach other spaces but I can't right now. I've gone through a major mental health crisis that's culminated in me deciding to leave a job I endured for no good reason for 15 years (money was no longer worth it either), so I'm in this weird limbo of not being entirely unemployed but not working either. It doesn't mean I get to work on my hobby with a hope of branching out, I've left all that behind. I could go get training on how to be a professional editor, I don't want to do that. I don't want to deal with invoices and money anymore. I don't want to deal with people. I'm supposed to go through a formal process and engage with a provider when I'm prepared to do that and when that might be is a mystery. I know I'll probably disengage from anyone who decides it's their business what I'm doing now or even in six months. I could have it so much worse.