They're all going to laugh at you

I just blocked a video of a UK comedian about to read a particular book I've hated (I never read it, I just hate it existed). I didn't even give it a chance to see if it might be funny. Then I realised, (not that the author will ever care) I'd die if anyone even read out anything of mine, good or not. I cannot deal with certain things being on record, and I honestly can't handle the thought of any of it being recorded for audiobook purposes. I keep reminding myself I cannot handle this, and I feel sorry for people who've been forced to read terrible books for this purpose, to have to intone character voices, or worse, read bad syntax verbatim. Being asked to do a budget version of this with Audacity and iPhone earphones with the shitty microphone, I was incensed for weeks this was a requirement. It was a joke. I just don't want it out there. I'm only now letting go the myriad minor issues and letting them be as they are. I got some hits, but I'm getting off Twitter now I'm a bit sick of engaging with a community that wants so much the world can't give them that my own tweets get misread and someone likes the tweet that calls you out but you don't get to finish the fucking conversation ever. I have to remember why it's worth ignoring the entire thing.

So, I don't think it's getting my work any attention either. I could try to broach other spaces but I can't right now. I've gone through a major mental health crisis that's culminated in me deciding to leave a job I endured for no good reason for 15 years (money was no longer worth it either), so I'm in this weird limbo of not being entirely unemployed but not working either. It doesn't mean I get to work on my hobby with a hope of branching out, I've left all that behind. I could go get training on how to be a professional editor, I don't want to do that. I don't want to deal with invoices and money anymore. I don't want to deal with people. I'm supposed to go through a formal process and engage with a provider when I'm prepared to do that and when that might be is a mystery. I know I'll probably disengage from anyone who decides it's their business what I'm doing now or even in six months. I could have it so much worse.